I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Two words: blizzard sex
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
