I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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