I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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