He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
