So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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