i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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