she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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