Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
