my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
