I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
