Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
