I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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