textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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