She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
