I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
time to smoke my breakfast
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
