Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
