John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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