I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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