When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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