Im at strip club and am horny
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my being single is dangerous.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
