You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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