if i can run in heels then i can drive
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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