I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
