So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
