Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
