Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
