I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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