If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
