Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
