I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
