ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
