How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
