moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
