so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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