First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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