Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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