i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
