If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
