Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
