I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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