Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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