Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
