Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
