Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
