OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
