I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
