You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize