Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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