I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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