So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
