I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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