Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
