All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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