Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
