Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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