Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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