census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
