i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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