I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
