another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am mentally ready for anal.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
