Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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