Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
